PHILLIES PLAYOFF MADNESS, ETC.

My oh my, has it ever been a super-hyper week for this little Phillies fan. I've got a lot to talk about--and it's not even all Phillies-related, I swear!

First things first. Cole fucking Hamels. The BILFiest BILF pitcher of them all. He is a pitching GOD. He pitched 8 scoreless innings in the Phillies' first playoff game against the Brewers. My parents were at the game--I'm sooooo jealous. (Last time I saw Hamels pitch, it was when he imploded against the Mets during that day/night doubleheader in early September at Shea Stadium. I don't think I've ever been to a game where Hamels has won. Luckily, I've seen plenty of his wins on TV, though!) Anyway. Hamels pitched awesomely in the first game of the Phils/Brewers series. Then Brad Lidge scared the shit out of everybody in the ninth inning, but hey, the Phils won 3-1, so that's all that really matters, right?

Then today, Brett Myers pitched a fantastic game against the Brewers (and even caused some chaos at bat, making Sabathia throw him lots of pitches!). Here I'd thought we were doomed, because Myers' last few starts weren't so hot, plus the Phillies were facing the mighty Sabathia. But the Phillies managed to chase Sabathia out of the game by the fourth inning, at which point the Phillies were leading 5-1. Shane Victorino hit a lovely little grand slam in the second inning. Beautiful! I'm deeming Victorino and Myers honorary BILFs today. They're not the cutest Phillies, but they are playoff superstars! The Phillies ended up winning the game, 5-2. Love it! (Want more details on how everything played out? Go here for fun, snarky commentary.)

The Phillies have me a little worried, since a) in each playoff game so far, they've scored all their runs in ONE inning, and b) they stranded at least 10 guys on base tonight. But the next time they play is Saturday, at Miller Park, and Jamie Moyer's pitching, so...let's hope something good happens for the Phillies there, you know what I'm sayin'? I won't say any more about this--I don't wanna jinx 'em. (We Philly sports fans are superstitious like that.)

Another note about the Phils/Brewers series: WTF happened to JJ Hardy? The scruff's gotta go, dude. It's just gotta go.

On an anti-Mets note: I fucking love this. I laughed my cute little ass off when I read it. Then I read it again so I could laugh some more. (I'm sad that the Yankees aren't in the postseason this year, but I'm ecstatic that the Mets aren't there. Obviously.)

On a totally superficial note, I'm really pissed that the Twins lost Monday night's tiebreaker game against the ChiSox. I sooooo wanted to see Joe Mauer, Joe Nathan, and Justin Morneau play some playoff games. I wouldn't have cared that much if they won, though. I just wanted to look at 'em. (Do they make midwestern boys cuter than east coast boys? These Twins are hot. Are they all like that out there? Do I need to move to some state in the middle of the country? Would the eye candy be worth it?) However: I did note that the White Sox have a catcher who appears to be somewhat cute. He has pretty blonde hair--I don't know if he's a decent catcher or not, but I dig his hair. It's this dude AJ Pierzynski (why is it that EVERY guy named AJ is smokin' hot? What IS it about that name?), whose last name I've just learned how to spell, which satisfied my inner spelling bee queen.

In other news: The Dodgers are kicking the shit out of the Cubs. Does anyone in LA actually give a damn? Or even know anyone who gives a damn?

And finally: In my first year of doing fantasy baseball, my BILFs and I came in second place! Woo-hoo! Here's the proof:

LET'S GO, TWINS!

I have never been to Minnesota. The closest I've ever been in proximity to Minnesota was Chicago. I know next to nothing about Minnesota. So I probably shouldn't give a damn about the Twins, yet I'm rooting hardcore for them to make it into the playoffs this year.

The Twins have been through a lot this year (namely: bye-bye Hunter, bye-bye Santana...and as a Phillies fan, do I ever wish the Twins had kept Santana and not shipped him off to the Mets). I think perhaps people started to not take the Twins seriously as playoff contenders. But...they've got Morneau (swoon), who you may recall won this year's Home Run Derby (even though a certain gorgeous Mr. Hamilton hit more home runs than Morneau did, but whatever). They've got Mauer (swoon again), who is hoping to lock up his second batting title. And right now the Twins are 1/2 game ahead in the race for the AL Central Division Champs title, just ahead of the White Sox. It all comes down to today (and, potentially, tomorrow) as to who wins this race.

At work, we get into lots of discussions about baseball teams, and last week I got a lot of shocked looks when I proudly proclaimed that I hoped to see the Twins in the playoffs. I was like, "What? They're hot!," to which one of my co-workers replied, "You are the worst baseball fan ever, you know that?", which made me laugh uproariously. But there's certainly something to be said for having eye candy in the playoffs--right, ladies? And if that eye candy just happens to have a lot of talent, too, so much the better, right? ;)

THANKFULLY, NO HOT TWINS WERE INJURED BY AIRBORNE RUBBISH...

Okay, Twins fans--I get it. You're passionate about your team. Hell, I am, too--at least when it comes to super-hot Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau. And it's quite considerate of you (in a strange way) to chuck stuff onto the field in an odd display of support for your team. It's kind of bizarre to me--after all, when we Philly fans are pissed off, all we do is boo. We don't throw stuff; we're too busy booing and swearing. Plus, our seventh innings just involve stretches, not projectile-throwing. But as odd as this behavior seems to me, I do have to commend you for at least not hitting any attractive players on the head with projectiles. Because if the headline of this Yahoo article had read "Mauer knocked out by flying Coke bottle" or "Morneau gets black eye from airborne bag of peanuts," I'd have been pissed, you guys--really pissed. Good aim, Twins fans--good aim.

2008 ALL-STAR GAME: RECAP OF THE HOTNESS

Oh my goodness! I could barely write coherently about the All-Star Game--I was too busy fanning my brow every time I saw Josh Hamilton do something hot, or swooning each time I witness Joe Mauer lookin' good... Below is my disjointed recap/account of the NL and AL All-Star hotties. Keep in mind that it might be a little biased since I was rooting for the NL to win this one...

--CHASE! Did you almost let that ball hit you in the head? Oh, c'mere, Chuttles. I'll make it all better.

--OMG OMG OMG THERE'S JOSH HAMILTON!!!! Never mind that I didn't know who he was 24 hours ago. I'm thisclose to being obsessed. This is all the fault of his tattoos. if he didn't have all the tattoos, he'd just be kinda hot. But he is AMAZINGLY hot. Purr.

--JOE MAUER!!!! My new favorite catcher! I'm almost becoming convinced that AL players are hotter than NL players...

--Hey, Cliff Lee almost kinda-sorta looks like Mike Delfino. Hmmm...

--A-Rod's pretty hot. I never noticed that before. Somebody's gotta be a hot Yankee now that Phillips isn't on the team anymore. I guess that somebody is A-Rod.

--Ryan Braun, you look so young. I can't possibly think you're cute; you look like your voice still squeaks when you talk.

--Chipper Jones...not bad, not bad. Although if we're talking Braves, I'm totally a Francoeur girl. But Francoeur was nowhere near making it to the All-Star game this year. Hell, he was barely back in major league baseball by that point...

--Matt Holliday, are you cute or not? Off with the hat. I can't tell what the hell you look like with that silly hat on. On a side note, I hate the Rockies' uniforms; they look so out of style.

--What is the deal with Grady Sizemore? I'm not convinced he's hot. Not at all. Sorry, Grady's Ladies. I just don't see it. Yet. Convince me.

--Is the entire Texas Rangers team hot? They almost have more hot players than the Phillies do. Holy shit, I think I actually have a reason to visit Texas sometime.

--Justin Morneau--such a cutie. Not hot, necessarily, but cute.

--I cannot believe I dumped Evan Longoria off my fantasy team. IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.

--Fuck you, JD Drew. (All Phillies fans hate JD Drew. It's a fact of life.)

--Joe Nathan? Is hot? He's on my fantasy baseball team (picked purely for his talent) and I didn't even know he was kinda hot? WTF? Am I losing my touch?

--Who is this Wilson dude on the Giants who's hot? I need to get to know this guy. And not because I need another reliever on my fantasy team. (Note: upon further research, this guy is Brian Wilson. It's weird thinking someone with the same name as a Beach Boy is attractive.)

--Billy Wagner, I effin' HATE you even more than I usually hate you. WAY TO GO, ASSHOLE.

--Fuck you again, JD Drew.

--Ooh, I like it when the camera pans to the NL dugout. Hi, Chase!!!!!! [waves madly at the TV]

--Dan Uggla, you SUCK. You were cute until you made that error.

--Uggla, you're pushing it. Error #2. Two in a row! Now you're really not cute.

--Ugh. Corey Hart. Pat Burrell should have beaten you in the NL All-Star last pick contest, you know. He'd have looked a hell of a lot better out there. Granted, he still can't run worth beans, but his hair would be perfect. Because, you know, that sort of thing totally matters.

--AL dugout? Josh sofreakinhotIjustwannascream Hamilton! *squeal* Hey! Camera! No need to pan back to the game! We're in extra innings. That's not exciting at all!

--McLouth, whoever you are, your hair is kinda hot.

--Ooooh, Brad Lidge. This guy's growing on me. He's kinda hot. He's no Cole Hamels, but he's not chopped liver, either.

--Fuck. I wanted this long-ass baseball game to end...but not like that. Damn you, American League. I'd totally hate you right now if you didn't have a bunch of hot players on your All-Star team.

In conclusion: I really need to find another adjective to use besides the word hot. Thesaurus, here I come!