THE FACE OF "STRONG AND SILENT"...

It's refreshing to know that there's a fabulous athlete out there who doesn't appear to have an ego the size of Montana. Chase Utley, the Adonis of Philadelphia sports, simply doesn't like to talk about himself. You won't find Chuttles spouting off about how damn wonderful he is (and he is indeed damn wonderful). Luckily, his parents have no qualms about talking about how seriously awesome their son is. Hey, a great player like Utley deserves some attention, you know? It's cool that Utley is so passionate to doing a fantastic job for the Phillies and can motivate his teammates to do their best to win...without saying much at all. His presence says it all. Reading an article like the one linked above is so much better than reading about Manny Ramirez bellyaching about wanting off the Red Sox...and then pissing off the Sox so much that they pretty much had no choice but to trade him. (Enjoy being part of the NL West, Manny--but I bet you're gonna miss the excitement and competitiveness of the AL East!)

I suppose it wouldn't be a BILF Report post without reiterating that not only is Utley an amazing and humble ballplayer...he's also ridiculously hot. (Come on, you knew that was coming, didn't you?)

PHILLIES ALS NIGHT 2008 RECAP

So every year the Phillies run this super-awesome event to raise money to fight ALS/Lou Gehrig's Disease. The Phillies have been running various ALS benefits since 1989 or so, and they crossed the $10 million mark with the money they raised from the 2008 ALS Night that they held this past Monday, July 28. Every year I'm proud to take part in such an amazing event--and I always have so much fun!

First, I'm delighted to announced that Cole Hamels heard my prayers and descruffified himself. He looked nothing short of flawless when I met him on Monday. Not only that, but he's amazingly nice. We talked fantasy baseball--I thanked him for doing so well for the Phillies and for my team, and told him how early I chose him in my draft. He said he was surprised because he didn't think he was that good to be picked so high in the draft. He seemed genuinely tickled that someone thought he was that good, though! After we took our photo together, he told me he'd try his best this season to keep doing good work so my stats would still be good! I almost died. It was an awesome conversation. (After I got far enough away that he couldn't hear me, I giggled maniacally to my mother and couldn't stop squealing. Usually I keep my cool a lot more, but screw it. It's Cole Hamels. He is certainly squeal-inducing.)

OMG, Cole Hamels has his arm around me!

I then went to meet Shane "The Flyin' Hawaiian" Victorino and pitcher Jamie Moyer. Both were very nice and both seemed amused by the fact that they were on my fantasy baseball team and that, like a true nerd, I'd brought a copy of my roster for them to sign. Good thing they didn't notice my team name and ask me what a BILF is...haha!

Greg Dobbs, pinch-hitter extraordinaire, and Geoff Jenkins were at a table together, and I happily got in line to meet them both. Dobbs is one of those guys who's pretty damn good but totally underrated, both in terms of athletic ability and looks. I told him I hoped to see more of him this season (he can play third base and outfield--but he rarely does since he normally just pinch-hits). I didn't mention that when I said I "wanted to see more of him this season," that I meant "so take off your damn clothes so I can see more of you." (I'll just let him think I meant that I wanted to see him playing baseball more this season. Heh.) Jenkins was cool, too, but I barely noticed his hotness because I was so horrified by his awful fashion sense. Sigh.

Dobbs is on the left; Jenkins is on the right.

Poor Chase Utley got mobbed by fans when he tried to leave his autograph station. There he is, on his way out...surrounded by adoring ladies with cameras, of course.

I wanted to meet Jayson Werth because he's really stepped it up this year and started to play well. Plus, he has incredibly hot hair. He looked damn good in person, but he also kind of looked like a tool because he wore these dark shades the entire time he was sitting at his table--even at, like, 7:30. Tool or not, though, he was attractive and nice, and he was wearing a really interesting shiny-ish purple shirt.


I didn't get to meet Pat "the Bat" Burrell this year, but of course I stopped by his booth to snap a quick picture. Actually, my mother snapped this one. I don't know what he's so surprised about, but it's an amusing picture, don't you think?

"What? I'm a BILF? Hey, that's hot!"

On the way out of the stadium, my parents and I stopped by the booth where the Phillies' wives were selling grab bags. My mother bought hers from Mrs. [Larry] Andersen...she opened it up and found a Chase Utley autographed ball inside! Since Mrs. Andersen was obviously a lucky bag-grabber, I approached her to buy one from her, too, and I asked her to pretty please make it a lucky one. And she did...I opened it up to find a ball autographed by Pat Burrell! Boy, did I ever shriek then--I even professed my love for Mrs. Andersen a couple of times, haha.

I'm already looking forward to the Phillies' 2009 ALS Night!

BILF FASHION FAUX PAS: GEOFF JENKINS

It took me a long time to find Geoff Jenkins attractive. But I slowly noticed that he has a seriously killer smile, that kind of I'm-gonna-freakin'-melt-'cause-you're-so-sexy smile. But when I was in line to meet him on Monday evening at the Phillies' charity event to raise money to fight Lou Gehrig's Disease, I wasn't looking at his gorgeous smile. I was checking out his horrendous fashion!

It's tough to tell from the picture, but I assure you, Mr. Jenkins was wearing the following articles of clothing:

* A patterned shirt
* Black pinstriped pants
* Tan, patterned socks
* Brown shoes

None of these pieces on its own would be considered unacceptable, but when you stick 'em all together in one place, even on a guy who's got a really killer smile, you have a very bad combination. I'm of the mindset that you don't mix black and brown (black pants/brown shoes? Ugh!), nor do you mix patterns. Jenkins was guilty of all of these crimes of fashion.

Hey, Geoff, if you ever decide you need a stylist (which would really be a good idea if this is the kind of outfit you put together on your own), I'd be happy to volunteer my services!

SCRUFFWATCH 2008: JEFF FRANCOEUR

Oh, dearest darling Frenchie. Say it ain't so! You've marred your fresh-facedness with that ugly scruffy crap growing on the side of your face. Now, look, I know that sometimes you silly athletes do crazy things like vow to not change your socks until your hitting streak is over, but you haven't really been doing anything good this season, Francoeur. Your numbers haven't been that great, and in fact, you even went on a little trip to the Minor Leagues. You have no way to justify this scruff. You're perfectly attractive, with a great smile and lively eyes, when you're not stubble-adorned. Dudes like Kevin Youkilis, who are great baseball players but not at all attractive, can pull off this crap on their face. But not you, Frenchie. You look much better clean-shaven. You are too damn gorgeous to be scruffy. Maybe if you shave it, you'll stop striking out so often. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Sidenote: I took in the Phillies/Braves game at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia on Sunday--that epic 12-10 game where the Phillies came back from a 5-0 Braves lead to--amazingly--win the game. During the course of this very lengthy game (which included a 2-hour rain delay and then numerous home runs once the tarps were off the field), I took about 70 pictures of Francoeur, to the point where my dad told me I was being mildly embarrassing. Hell, there were 4 Braves fans sitting behind us, and even they seemed uninterested in Francoeur. I was the sole person clapping for Francoeur each time he was up to bat--not that my cheering did him any good, as the best he did was walk (he struck out every other time he was at bat). He's still got a hell of an arm, though--much to this Phillies fan's dismay, he made a couple really nice plays in right field. (It kinda made me want to pounce on him. Rawr.)

SCRUFFWATCH 2008: COLE HAMELS

WTF is that? That...scruff? That rubbish that mars the otherwise beautiful face of Cole Hamels? I nearly screamed when I went to phillies.com and saw this picture there. Cole Hamels is gorgeous. He might very well be be the best-looking baseball player currently in the game. And then he goes and defaces his beautiful face with that scruff. In return, I had to take my red pen to that scruff because...well...it couldn't look much worse than it already does, right? What's a little red pen between a grammar/baseball fiend and her favorite pitcher, right?

Hamels, who do you think you are, Jack from Lost? You're sporting about the same amount of stubbly scruff Jack always has on his face, but the difference is that he's on an island in the middle of nowhere with no access to things like fresh razors, so he's got an excuse. You? No excuse, Cole. None whatsoever. And please, please clean up your pretty face before the evening of Monday, July 28. That's when I'll be meeting you again, and taking a picture with you, and telling you that you're the best goddamn pitcher on my fantasy baseball team. Notice I said I will be meeting and taking a picture with you, not you and your scruff. Please, for the love of all that is BILFalicious, descruffify yourself in the next 7 days, Cole. Please do not turn that thing on your chin into (gasp!) a full-fledged beard or something. I will cry. You don't want to make me cry, do you, Cole? I didn't think so. So how 'bout you just show up to the Phillies Phestival next week lookin' like this...?

2008 ALL-STAR GAME: RECAP OF THE HOTNESS

Oh my goodness! I could barely write coherently about the All-Star Game--I was too busy fanning my brow every time I saw Josh Hamilton do something hot, or swooning each time I witness Joe Mauer lookin' good... Below is my disjointed recap/account of the NL and AL All-Star hotties. Keep in mind that it might be a little biased since I was rooting for the NL to win this one...

--CHASE! Did you almost let that ball hit you in the head? Oh, c'mere, Chuttles. I'll make it all better.

--OMG OMG OMG THERE'S JOSH HAMILTON!!!! Never mind that I didn't know who he was 24 hours ago. I'm thisclose to being obsessed. This is all the fault of his tattoos. if he didn't have all the tattoos, he'd just be kinda hot. But he is AMAZINGLY hot. Purr.

--JOE MAUER!!!! My new favorite catcher! I'm almost becoming convinced that AL players are hotter than NL players...

--Hey, Cliff Lee almost kinda-sorta looks like Mike Delfino. Hmmm...

--A-Rod's pretty hot. I never noticed that before. Somebody's gotta be a hot Yankee now that Phillips isn't on the team anymore. I guess that somebody is A-Rod.

--Ryan Braun, you look so young. I can't possibly think you're cute; you look like your voice still squeaks when you talk.

--Chipper Jones...not bad, not bad. Although if we're talking Braves, I'm totally a Francoeur girl. But Francoeur was nowhere near making it to the All-Star game this year. Hell, he was barely back in major league baseball by that point...

--Matt Holliday, are you cute or not? Off with the hat. I can't tell what the hell you look like with that silly hat on. On a side note, I hate the Rockies' uniforms; they look so out of style.

--What is the deal with Grady Sizemore? I'm not convinced he's hot. Not at all. Sorry, Grady's Ladies. I just don't see it. Yet. Convince me.

--Is the entire Texas Rangers team hot? They almost have more hot players than the Phillies do. Holy shit, I think I actually have a reason to visit Texas sometime.

--Justin Morneau--such a cutie. Not hot, necessarily, but cute.

--I cannot believe I dumped Evan Longoria off my fantasy team. IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.

--Fuck you, JD Drew. (All Phillies fans hate JD Drew. It's a fact of life.)

--Joe Nathan? Is hot? He's on my fantasy baseball team (picked purely for his talent) and I didn't even know he was kinda hot? WTF? Am I losing my touch?

--Who is this Wilson dude on the Giants who's hot? I need to get to know this guy. And not because I need another reliever on my fantasy team. (Note: upon further research, this guy is Brian Wilson. It's weird thinking someone with the same name as a Beach Boy is attractive.)

--Billy Wagner, I effin' HATE you even more than I usually hate you. WAY TO GO, ASSHOLE.

--Fuck you again, JD Drew.

--Ooh, I like it when the camera pans to the NL dugout. Hi, Chase!!!!!! [waves madly at the TV]

--Dan Uggla, you SUCK. You were cute until you made that error.

--Uggla, you're pushing it. Error #2. Two in a row! Now you're really not cute.

--Ugh. Corey Hart. Pat Burrell should have beaten you in the NL All-Star last pick contest, you know. He'd have looked a hell of a lot better out there. Granted, he still can't run worth beans, but his hair would be perfect. Because, you know, that sort of thing totally matters.

--AL dugout? Josh sofreakinhotIjustwannascream Hamilton! *squeal* Hey! Camera! No need to pan back to the game! We're in extra innings. That's not exciting at all!

--McLouth, whoever you are, your hair is kinda hot.

--Ooooh, Brad Lidge. This guy's growing on me. He's kinda hot. He's no Cole Hamels, but he's not chopped liver, either.

--Fuck. I wanted this long-ass baseball game to end...but not like that. Damn you, American League. I'd totally hate you right now if you didn't have a bunch of hot players on your All-Star team.

In conclusion: I really need to find another adjective to use besides the word hot. Thesaurus, here I come!

HOT RUN DERBY RECAP

Omigod, you guys. The Home Run Derby was amazing. And not just because Josh Hamilton hit a crazy amount of home runs. It was amazing because it was the largest gathering of attractive men I've seen in a long, long time. Utley (my favorite All-Star) was present, of course, which was enough to make Yankee Stadium totally en fuego. And then there was Dan Uggla, who has always seemed somewhat attractive (except when he's hitting homers against the Phillies)...and then a whole bunch of guys that I'd barely heard of and had never seen before tonight. Evan Longoria? Josh Hamilton? Justin Morneau? Being a fantasy baseball team manager, I'd heard of these guys to some degree (however, I know a lot more about National League teams than American League teams, so I was slightly clueless about these guys). The thing is, I had no idea these guys are hot. Especially that Hamilton guy (a baseball player who is kind of a former badass, whose arms are all tattooed up like he's a rock star? Quick, I need a cold shower...).

Despite the fact that my boy Utley only hit five home runs, I'm still proud of him. And I'm even prouder of Utley for his response when people (probably a bunch of silly Mets fans) booed him, even though I'm pretty damn sure he didn't mean to be heard on national TV when he said it... Click here to check out Utley talkin' dirty!