The BILF Report

MOVIN' ON UP...

2008-10-13T17:51:00.002-04:00

After finding out that they let anybody (even girls like me who think that the hotness of a player's hair or butt is just as important as the number of runs he's scored in a game) have a baseball-related blog at MLBlogs, I decided to move The BILF Report on over there! All your favorite BILF-related banter can now be found at...

http://bilfreporter.mlblogs.com/

Please update your bookmarks and c'mon over to say hi to me on my new MLBlogs site! :)

HOW 'BOUT THOSE PHILLIES, HUH?

2008-10-11T16:09:00.008-04:00

Wow. What an incredible couple of days in the world of Phillies baseball. Today's an off day for the Phillies--they'll continue their series with the Dodgers tomorrow in Los Angeles. Presently the Phillies are up 2-0 in the series, with some pretty incredible stuff happening in the first two games.

Game 1: Cole Hamels pitched well, despite giving Manny a nice little wild pitch to hit early on in the game. Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Pat Burrell did quite well offensively. (Nice to see Utley back on his game!) Despite the fact that the Dodgers were the first team to put a run on the board, they managed to fall to the Phillies 3-2. Hey, I'm not complainin'. If you want more details on what happened during this game, click here. (Also: my inner word nerd loves the term "Utlage," coined around the 10:07 mark.)

Game 2: Brett Myers vs. Chad Billingsley. The latter is not cute, not cute at all, since for the length of this series I've issued a moratorium on Dodgers being cute. He's a troll. A troll who got removed in the third inning 'cause the Phillies turned it into a slugfest. And at the heart of that slugfest? Brett freakin' Meyers. Last week he terrorized CC Sabathia with his at-plate performance. This time around, he caused even more damage by batting 1.000, having 3 base hits in his first 3 at-bats, becoming only the eighth pitcher in baseball history to have a 3-hit game during the postseason. Well done, Myers! The coolest Hawaiian in baseball, Shane Victorino, also had a hell of a night at the plate (singling, tripling, driving in runs...oh my!), plus he made an amazing play on a Casey Blake-hit ball that would have allowed the Dodgers to rack up some extra runs had Victorino not caught it. (Also: Condolences to Victorino on the passing of his grandmother, and to Charlie Manuel on the passing of his mother. And happy, happy birthday to Pat the Bat!) Props to the Phillies bullpen for working their magic and to Greg Dobbs for hitting a totally hot .667 average yesterday. The Phillies won game 2 of the NLCS 8-5 and have now become the 19th team in history to win the first 2 games of the NLCS, which is fabulous news because, of the teams that have started this series with a 2-0 lead, 16 of those 18 teams have ended up winning the series. Let's hope that the Phillies can become #17... They've got an off day today, but the baseball goodness starts back up again tomorrow at Dodger Stadium at 8:22 PM.

In other playoff team-related chatter, look at what those American League female fans are doing for their teams! (That being said, if my favorite AL team, the super-smokin'-hot Twins, were in the postseason, I just might be doing something crazy like this, too.) In the ALCS, the BoSox lead the series 1-0, with the next game in the series happening today.

LET'S GO, PHILLIES!

2008-10-09T13:38:00.008-04:00

Ooh, I am SO excited for the Phillies to start their NLCS series games! The Phillies' starting pitcher tonight for game 1 of this series is the BILFiest BILF of them all--Cole Hamels, pitching superstar! Yummy!

I'm optimistic about this series with the Dodgers. Yes, they have Manny--and yes, he's damn good. (And they have Andre Ethier, too, who is not only talented, but hot...AND a foodie, apparently! But until this series is over and the Phillies have kicked the Dodgers' butts, I--as a loyal Phillies fan--am not allowing myself to admit that there are any BILFalicious guys wearing Dodger blue. So from now until, like, the end of next weekend, Ethier is a total troll to me, even though he's really not. Make sense?) The Phillies have home-field advantage in this series, and that is most definitely a good thing. The Phillies pitched well during the last series they played, with the Brewers. Burrell, Victorino, and Werth have all had hot bats (among, um, hot other things) during the postseason. If the Phillies can get Utley and Howard's hitting up to par--and do something about the bottom of the order, since Feliz and Ruiz weren't terribly productive in the NLDS--they will truly be a force to be reckoned with.

In a very crafty display of Phillies pride, I decorated a pumpkin with red glitter and pinstripes...behold!

The front:

And the back...

Let's go, BILFtastic Phillies!!!

PAT'S GOT A HOT BAT!

2008-10-05T23:05:00.004-04:00

Holy good goddamn, Pat Burrell. I'm so glad you finally showed up to the party! And by "party," I mean "playoff game."

Mr. Burrell has achieved hero status in Philly today. He hit a three-run homer and then another homer in game 4 of the Phillies/Brewers series (that'll teach 'em to intentionally walk R-Ho to get to you, huh, Pat?). Beautiful. Just beautiful. I love Pat's dingers (tee-hee!).

With Pat the Bat's totally hot home runs today--and also due to J-Roll's lead-off homer, Jayson Werth's homer immediately following Pat's first homer, and outstanding pitching by Joe Blanton--they managed to win the game 6-2...and advance in the playoffs for the first time since 1993! How exciting! The Phillies will battle it out with the Dodgers for the National League title (click here for the schedule of games). Can the hotness that is Chase Utley, Cole Hamels, Pat Burrell, Jayson Werth, and Greg Dobbs (honorable mention: Geoff Jenkins' hot smile and Ryan Madson's pretty eyes) take on Manny, Billingsley, and the rest of the Dodgers? I think so. (I hope so, anyway.) My prediction is that the Phillies win it in 6 and advance to the Series. And your prediction is...?

Also: I'd like to give a quick shout-out to my friend Justin. He's been a Milwaukee Brewers fan his entire life, and today he and I watched our favorite teams duke it out in the playoffs. Props to Justin for handling his team's loss way better than I probably would have handled it had the Phillies gotten knocked out of the playoffs, for putting up with my screams of "I LOVE YOU, PAT BURRELL!!!" every time Pat did something good, putting up with my constant ogling of Greg Dobbs' sweet ass, and not cringing at the scream/squawk/squeal I let out when the Phillies won today's game. Justin was recently interviewed in a baseball-related article, which you can check out by clicking here!

PHILLIES PLAYOFF MADNESS, ETC.

2008-10-03T01:20:00.006-04:00

My oh my, has it ever been a super-hyper week for this little Phillies fan. I've got a lot to talk about--and it's not even all Phillies-related, I swear!

First things first. Cole fucking Hamels. The BILFiest BILF pitcher of them all. He is a pitching GOD. He pitched 8 scoreless innings in the Phillies' first playoff game against the Brewers. My parents were at the game--I'm sooooo jealous. (Last time I saw Hamels pitch, it was when he imploded against the Mets during that day/night doubleheader in early September at Shea Stadium. I don't think I've ever been to a game where Hamels has won. Luckily, I've seen plenty of his wins on TV, though!) Anyway. Hamels pitched awesomely in the first game of the Phils/Brewers series. Then Brad Lidge scared the shit out of everybody in the ninth inning, but hey, the Phils won 3-1, so that's all that really matters, right?

Then today, Brett Myers pitched a fantastic game against the Brewers (and even caused some chaos at bat, making Sabathia throw him lots of pitches!). Here I'd thought we were doomed, because Myers' last few starts weren't so hot, plus the Phillies were facing the mighty Sabathia. But the Phillies managed to chase Sabathia out of the game by the fourth inning, at which point the Phillies were leading 5-1. Shane Victorino hit a lovely little grand slam in the second inning. Beautiful! I'm deeming Victorino and Myers honorary BILFs today. They're not the cutest Phillies, but they are playoff superstars! The Phillies ended up winning the game, 5-2. Love it! (Want more details on how everything played out? Go here for fun, snarky commentary.)

The Phillies have me a little worried, since a) in each playoff game so far, they've scored all their runs in ONE inning, and b) they stranded at least 10 guys on base tonight. But the next time they play is Saturday, at Miller Park, and Jamie Moyer's pitching, so...let's hope something good happens for the Phillies there, you know what I'm sayin'? I won't say any more about this--I don't wanna jinx 'em. (We Philly sports fans are superstitious like that.)

Another note about the Phils/Brewers series: WTF happened to JJ Hardy? The scruff's gotta go, dude. It's just gotta go.

On an anti-Mets note: I fucking love this. I laughed my cute little ass off when I read it. Then I read it again so I could laugh some more. (I'm sad that the Yankees aren't in the postseason this year, but I'm ecstatic that the Mets aren't there. Obviously.)

On a totally superficial note, I'm really pissed that the Twins lost Monday night's tiebreaker game against the ChiSox. I sooooo wanted to see Joe Mauer, Joe Nathan, and Justin Morneau play some playoff games. I wouldn't have cared that much if they won, though. I just wanted to look at 'em. (Do they make midwestern boys cuter than east coast boys? These Twins are hot. Are they all like that out there? Do I need to move to some state in the middle of the country? Would the eye candy be worth it?) However: I did note that the White Sox have a catcher who appears to be somewhat cute. He has pretty blonde hair--I don't know if he's a decent catcher or not, but I dig his hair. It's this dude AJ Pierzynski (why is it that EVERY guy named AJ is smokin' hot? What IS it about that name?), whose last name I've just learned how to spell, which satisfied my inner spelling bee queen.

In other news: The Dodgers are kicking the shit out of the Cubs. Does anyone in LA actually give a damn? Or even know anyone who gives a damn?

And finally: In my first year of doing fantasy baseball, my BILFs and I came in second place! Woo-hoo! Here's the proof:

JUST WONDERING...

2008-09-29T02:01:00.005-04:00

...Why the long faces, guys? It looks like someone ran over your pet puppy-dogs. You actually look like you're mourning something.

Oh, right. You're mourning the loss of yet another playoff opportunity. You're sad because again, your playoff hopes hinged on the last game of the season, which you blew. You're pissy because your rivals, the Philadelphia Phillies, were right (again!) in saying that they're the team to beat this year.

You're pissed that even the mighty Santana couldn't get you to the playoffs. And that your bullpen blows. And that Wagner needs surgery. Those are all valid reasons to be aggravated.

Equally valid is the point that you guys will be sitting at home sullenly watching your televisions as the Phillies take on the Brewers on Wednesday night. (You'll probably be rooting hardcore for the Brewers and chucking empty beer cans at the TV every time J-Roll or Ryan Howard comes up to bat. I understand--you're bitter.)

S'OK, Mets. Maybe next year, right *snicker*? But hopefully--and probably--not!

PHIRST PLACE...AGAIN!!!

2008-09-28T15:13:00.007-04:00

Beautiful! Just beautiful. :) For the second year in a row, my beloved Philadelphia Phillies are the NL East Champions! For the second year in a row, it almost looked like they weren't going to get that title, but somehow--somehow!--they did it again.

Hopefully this year they won't get the shit kicked out of them in the first round of playoffs like they did last year (I'm still a little bitter toward the Rockies for so thoroughly trouncing my Phillies). Hopefully this year they're a more seasoned team that knows what to expect in the playoffs and goes in there and gets the job done. It looks like they'll either be playing the NL Wild Card winner or maybe the Dodgers. I'm hoping they play the Brewers, because I like them better, and I think (hope) the Phillies would have an easier time beating the Brewers than they would the Dodgers. It all comes down to today (and potentially tomorrow, too!) to determine which team gets the NL Wild Card. Right this very minute, the Fish are up 1-0 over the Mets in the 6th, and the Cubbies are up 1-0 over the Brew Crew in the 5th. If both the Mets and Brewers lose today, they'll play a tiebreaker game tomorrow. I'm waiting rather anxiously to find out what happens with both of these teams. As a die-hard Phillies fan, I don't wanna see those icky Mets go to the playoffs!

Anyway. Congratulations to the Fightin' Phils for a second stellar (albeit nail-biting, harrowing, and downright frightening at times) season of kickin' ass, takin' names, and (Hamels, Utley, Dobbs, Werth, Burrell...I'm talking to you here) lookin' hot! In honor of the Phillies, I've painted my nails red and am going to wear my red pants to work tomorrow. Yeah, I know--I'm such a girl.

But I'm a girl who gets to watch her favorite baseball team compete in the playoffs this year! WOO-HOO!!!!! (And guess what? Hamels is scheduled to pitch Game 1 of the NLDS series. HOT!)

LET'S GO, TWINS!

2008-09-28T13:45:00.004-04:00

I have never been to Minnesota. The closest I've ever been in proximity to Minnesota was Chicago. I know next to nothing about Minnesota. So I probably shouldn't give a damn about the Twins, yet I'm rooting hardcore for them to make it into the playoffs this year.

The Twins have been through a lot this year (namely: bye-bye Hunter, bye-bye Santana...and as a Phillies fan, do I ever wish the Twins had kept Santana and not shipped him off to the Mets). I think perhaps people started to not take the Twins seriously as playoff contenders. But...they've got Morneau (swoon), who you may recall won this year's Home Run Derby (even though a certain gorgeous Mr. Hamilton hit more home runs than Morneau did, but whatever). They've got Mauer (swoon again), who is hoping to lock up his second batting title. And right now the Twins are 1/2 game ahead in the race for the AL Central Division Champs title, just ahead of the White Sox. It all comes down to today (and, potentially, tomorrow) as to who wins this race.

At work, we get into lots of discussions about baseball teams, and last week I got a lot of shocked looks when I proudly proclaimed that I hoped to see the Twins in the playoffs. I was like, "What? They're hot!," to which one of my co-workers replied, "You are the worst baseball fan ever, you know that?", which made me laugh uproariously. But there's certainly something to be said for having eye candy in the playoffs--right, ladies? And if that eye candy just happens to have a lot of talent, too, so much the better, right? ;)

MY MIND IS IN THE GUTTER...AND HAS DRAGGED THOUGHTS OF PAT BURRELL DOWN THERE, TOO.

2008-08-04T23:39:00.005-04:00

This picture of two of my favorite Phillies made me smile. I smiled even more when I read the caption. Pat Burrell, you can come on over here and go deep anytime, baby. You know, with a home run that's hit really hard--uh, long--um, past the fence...? Yeah.

DAMMIT, HAMELS...

2008-08-02T00:42:00.002-04:00

Dearest, darling Cole...I thought we had an agreement. After learning about how soon I picked you in my draft, you promised me that you'd do really well the rest of this season so as to keep my fantasy baseball stats up. And then what do you do? You take a loss in a game against the Cardinals. I'm deeply saddened by this, Cole. I mean, you promised. Must I go find a new favorite pitcher who keeps his promises to win games for me and get me Ks?* Former Phillie Kyle Lohse did well in that very game in which you took the loss, and I wouldn't kick him outta my bed for eating crackers, you know what I'm sayin'? C'mon, Cole, get back on your game. I want some Ks from you. And, you know, a marriage proposal, despite the fact that you're already married. But those Ks are mighty important, especially during fantasy baseball season--we can talk marriage once the season is over, I've won my league, and the Phils have won the World Series...sound good to you?

* I kid, I kid. Hamels will be my favorite pitcher for, like, ever. Even if he loses a game once in a while.

THANKFULLY, NO HOT TWINS WERE INJURED BY AIRBORNE RUBBISH...

2008-08-01T12:06:00.004-04:00

Okay, Twins fans--I get it. You're passionate about your team. Hell, I am, too--at least when it comes to super-hot Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau. And it's quite considerate of you (in a strange way) to chuck stuff onto the field in an odd display of support for your team. It's kind of bizarre to me--after all, when we Philly fans are pissed off, all we do is boo. We don't throw stuff; we're too busy booing and swearing. Plus, our seventh innings just involve stretches, not projectile-throwing. But as odd as this behavior seems to me, I do have to commend you for at least not hitting any attractive players on the head with projectiles. Because if the headline of this Yahoo article had read "Mauer knocked out by flying Coke bottle" or "Morneau gets black eye from airborne bag of peanuts," I'd have been pissed, you guys--really pissed. Good aim, Twins fans--good aim.

THE FACE OF "STRONG AND SILENT"...

2008-07-31T23:17:00.002-04:00

It's refreshing to know that there's a fabulous athlete out there who doesn't appear to have an ego the size of Montana. Chase Utley, the Adonis of Philadelphia sports, simply doesn't like to talk about himself. You won't find Chuttles spouting off about how damn wonderful he is (and he is indeed damn wonderful). Luckily, his parents have no qualms about talking about how seriously awesome their son is. Hey, a great player like Utley deserves some attention, you know? It's cool that Utley is so passionate to doing a fantastic job for the Phillies and can motivate his teammates to do their best to win...without saying much at all. His presence says it all. Reading an article like the one linked above is so much better than reading about Manny Ramirez bellyaching about wanting off the Red Sox...and then pissing off the Sox so much that they pretty much had no choice but to trade him. (Enjoy being part of the NL West, Manny--but I bet you're gonna miss the excitement and competitiveness of the AL East!)

I suppose it wouldn't be a BILF Report post without reiterating that not only is Utley an amazing and humble ballplayer...he's also ridiculously hot. (Come on, you knew that was coming, didn't you?)

PHILLIES ALS NIGHT 2008 RECAP

2008-07-29T00:52:00.001-04:00

So every year the Phillies run this super-awesome event to raise money to fight ALS/Lou Gehrig's Disease. The Phillies have been running various ALS benefits since 1989 or so, and they crossed the $10 million mark with the money they raised from the 2008 ALS Night that they held this past Monday, July 28. Every year I'm proud to take part in such an amazing event--and I always have so much fun!

First, I'm delighted to announced that Cole Hamels heard my prayers and descruffified himself. He looked nothing short of flawless when I met him on Monday. Not only that, but he's amazingly nice. We talked fantasy baseball--I thanked him for doing so well for the Phillies and for my team, and told him how early I chose him in my draft. He said he was surprised because he didn't think he was that good to be picked so high in the draft. He seemed genuinely tickled that someone thought he was that good, though! After we took our photo together, he told me he'd try his best this season to keep doing good work so my stats would still be good! I almost died. It was an awesome conversation. (After I got far enough away that he couldn't hear me, I giggled maniacally to my mother and couldn't stop squealing. Usually I keep my cool a lot more, but screw it. It's Cole Hamels. He is certainly squeal-inducing.)

OMG, Cole Hamels has his arm around me!

I then went to meet Shane "The Flyin' Hawaiian" Victorino and pitcher Jamie Moyer. Both were very nice and both seemed amused by the fact that they were on my fantasy baseball team and that, like a true nerd, I'd brought a copy of my roster for them to sign. Good thing they didn't notice my team name and ask me what a BILF is...haha!

Greg Dobbs, pinch-hitter extraordinaire, and Geoff Jenkins were at a table together, and I happily got in line to meet them both. Dobbs is one of those guys who's pretty damn good but totally underrated, both in terms of athletic ability and looks. I told him I hoped to see more of him this season (he can play third base and outfield--but he rarely does since he normally just pinch-hits). I didn't mention that when I said I "wanted to see more of him this season," that I meant "so take off your damn clothes so I can see more of you." (I'll just let him think I meant that I wanted to see him playing baseball more this season. Heh.) Jenkins was cool, too, but I barely noticed his hotness because I was so horrified by his awful fashion sense. Sigh.

Dobbs is on the left; Jenkins is on the right.

Poor Chase Utley got mobbed by fans when he tried to leave his autograph station. There he is, on his way out...surrounded by adoring ladies with cameras, of course.

I wanted to meet Jayson Werth because he's really stepped it up this year and started to play well. Plus, he has incredibly hot hair. He looked damn good in person, but he also kind of looked like a tool because he wore these dark shades the entire time he was sitting at his table--even at, like, 7:30. Tool or not, though, he was attractive and nice, and he was wearing a really interesting shiny-ish purple shirt.

I didn't get to meet Pat "the Bat" Burrell this year, but of course I stopped by his booth to snap a quick picture. Actually, my mother snapped this one. I don't know what he's so surprised about, but it's an amusing picture, don't you think?

"What? I'm a BILF? Hey, that's hot!"

On the way out of the stadium, my parents and I stopped by the booth where the Phillies' wives were selling grab bags. My mother bought hers from Mrs. [Larry] Andersen...she opened it up and found a Chase Utley autographed ball inside! Since Mrs. Andersen was obviously a lucky bag-grabber, I approached her to buy one from her, too, and I asked her to pretty please make it a lucky one. And she did...I opened it up to find a ball autographed by Pat Burrell! Boy, did I ever shriek then--I even professed my love for Mrs. Andersen a couple of times, haha.

I'm already looking forward to the Phillies' 2009 ALS Night!

BILF FASHION FAUX PAS: GEOFF JENKINS

2008-07-29T00:40:00.002-04:00

It took me a long time to find Geoff Jenkins attractive. But I slowly noticed that he has a seriously killer smile, that kind of I'm-gonna-freakin'-melt-'cause-you're-so-sexy smile. But when I was in line to meet him on Monday evening at the Phillies' charity event to raise money to fight Lou Gehrig's Disease, I wasn't looking at his gorgeous smile. I was checking out his horrendous fashion!

It's tough to tell from the picture, but I assure you, Mr. Jenkins was wearing the following articles of clothing:

* A patterned shirt
* Black pinstriped pants
* Tan, patterned socks
* Brown shoes

None of these pieces on its own would be considered unacceptable, but when you stick 'em all together in one place, even on a guy who's got a really killer smile, you have a very bad combination. I'm of the mindset that you don't mix black and brown (black pants/brown shoes? Ugh!), nor do you mix patterns. Jenkins was guilty of all of these crimes of fashion.

Hey, Geoff, if you ever decide you need a stylist (which would really be a good idea if this is the kind of outfit you put together on your own), I'd be happy to volunteer my services!

SCRUFFWATCH 2008: JEFF FRANCOEUR

2008-07-27T00:21:00.001-04:00

Oh, dearest darling Frenchie. Say it ain't so! You've marred your fresh-facedness with that ugly scruffy crap growing on the side of your face. Now, look, I know that sometimes you silly athletes do crazy things like vow to not change your socks until your hitting streak is over, but you haven't really been doing anything good this season, Francoeur. Your numbers haven't been that great, and in fact, you even went on a little trip to the Minor Leagues. You have no way to justify this scruff. You're perfectly attractive, with a great smile and lively eyes, when you're not stubble-adorned. Dudes like Kevin Youkilis, who are great baseball players but not at all attractive, can pull off this crap on their face. But not you, Frenchie. You look much better clean-shaven. You are too damn gorgeous to be scruffy. Maybe if you shave it, you'll stop striking out so often. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Sidenote: I took in the Phillies/Braves game at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia on Sunday--that epic 12-10 game where the Phillies came back from a 5-0 Braves lead to--amazingly--win the game. During the course of this very lengthy game (which included a 2-hour rain delay and then numerous home runs once the tarps were off the field), I took about 70 pictures of Francoeur, to the point where my dad told me I was being mildly embarrassing. Hell, there were 4 Braves fans sitting behind us, and even they seemed uninterested in Francoeur. I was the sole person clapping for Francoeur each time he was up to bat--not that my cheering did him any good, as the best he did was walk (he struck out every other time he was at bat). He's still got a hell of an arm, though--much to this Phillies fan's dismay, he made a couple really nice plays in right field. (It kinda made me want to pounce on him. Rawr.)

SCRUFFWATCH 2008: COLE HAMELS

2008-07-22T21:27:00.004-04:00

WTF is that? That...scruff? That rubbish that mars the otherwise beautiful face of Cole Hamels? I nearly screamed when I went to phillies.com and saw this picture there. Cole Hamels is gorgeous. He might very well be be the best-looking baseball player currently in the game. And then he goes and defaces his beautiful face with that scruff. In return, I had to take my red pen to that scruff because...well...it couldn't look much worse than it already does, right? What's a little red pen between a grammar/baseball fiend and her favorite pitcher, right?

Hamels, who do you think you are, Jack from Lost? You're sporting about the same amount of stubbly scruff Jack always has on his face, but the difference is that he's on an island in the middle of nowhere with no access to things like fresh razors, so he's got an excuse. You? No excuse, Cole. None whatsoever. And please, please clean up your pretty face before the evening of Monday, July 28. That's when I'll be meeting you again, and taking a picture with you, and telling you that you're the best goddamn pitcher on my fantasy baseball team. Notice I said I will be meeting and taking a picture with you, not you and your scruff. Please, for the love of all that is BILFalicious, descruffify yourself in the next 7 days, Cole. Please do not turn that thing on your chin into (gasp!) a full-fledged beard or something. I will cry. You don't want to make me cry, do you, Cole? I didn't think so. So how 'bout you just show up to the Phillies Phestival next week lookin' like this...?

2008 ALL-STAR GAME: RECAP OF THE HOTNESS

2008-07-16T00:09:00.003-04:00

Oh my goodness! I could barely write coherently about the All-Star Game--I was too busy fanning my brow every time I saw Josh Hamilton do something hot, or swooning each time I witness Joe Mauer lookin' good... Below is my disjointed recap/account of the NL and AL All-Star hotties. Keep in mind that it might be a little biased since I was rooting for the NL to win this one...

--CHASE! Did you almost let that ball hit you in the head? Oh, c'mere, Chuttles. I'll make it all better.

--OMG OMG OMG THERE'S JOSH HAMILTON!!!! Never mind that I didn't know who he was 24 hours ago. I'm thisclose to being obsessed. This is all the fault of his tattoos. if he didn't have all the tattoos, he'd just be kinda hot. But he is AMAZINGLY hot. Purr.

--JOE MAUER!!!! My new favorite catcher! I'm almost becoming convinced that AL players are hotter than NL players...

--Hey, Cliff Lee almost kinda-sorta looks like Mike Delfino. Hmmm...

--A-Rod's pretty hot. I never noticed that before. Somebody's gotta be a hot Yankee now that Phillips isn't on the team anymore. I guess that somebody is A-Rod.

--Ryan Braun, you look so young. I can't possibly think you're cute; you look like your voice still squeaks when you talk.

--Chipper Jones...not bad, not bad. Although if we're talking Braves, I'm totally a Francoeur girl. But Francoeur was nowhere near making it to the All-Star game this year. Hell, he was barely back in major league baseball by that point...

--Matt Holliday, are you cute or not? Off with the hat. I can't tell what the hell you look like with that silly hat on. On a side note, I hate the Rockies' uniforms; they look so out of style.

--What is the deal with Grady Sizemore? I'm not convinced he's hot. Not at all. Sorry, Grady's Ladies. I just don't see it. Yet. Convince me.

--Is the entire Texas Rangers team hot? They almost have more hot players than the Phillies do. Holy shit, I think I actually have a reason to visit Texas sometime.

--Justin Morneau--such a cutie. Not hot, necessarily, but cute.

--I cannot believe I dumped Evan Longoria off my fantasy team. IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.

--Fuck you, JD Drew. (All Phillies fans hate JD Drew. It's a fact of life.)

--Joe Nathan? Is hot? He's on my fantasy baseball team (picked purely for his talent) and I didn't even know he was kinda hot? WTF? Am I losing my touch?

--Who is this Wilson dude on the Giants who's hot? I need to get to know this guy. And not because I need another reliever on my fantasy team. (Note: upon further research, this guy is Brian Wilson. It's weird thinking someone with the same name as a Beach Boy is attractive.)

--Billy Wagner, I effin' HATE you even more than I usually hate you. WAY TO GO, ASSHOLE.

--Fuck you again, JD Drew.

--Ooh, I like it when the camera pans to the NL dugout. Hi, Chase!!!!!! [waves madly at the TV]

--Dan Uggla, you SUCK. You were cute until you made that error.

--Uggla, you're pushing it. Error #2. Two in a row! Now you're really not cute.

--Ugh. Corey Hart. Pat Burrell should have beaten you in the NL All-Star last pick contest, you know. He'd have looked a hell of a lot better out there. Granted, he still can't run worth beans, but his hair would be perfect. Because, you know, that sort of thing totally matters.

--AL dugout? Josh sofreakinhotIjustwannascream Hamilton! *squeal* Hey! Camera! No need to pan back to the game! We're in extra innings. That's not exciting at all!

--McLouth, whoever you are, your hair is kinda hot.

--Ooooh, Brad Lidge. This guy's growing on me. He's kinda hot. He's no Cole Hamels, but he's not chopped liver, either.

--Fuck. I wanted this long-ass baseball game to end...but not like that. Damn you, American League. I'd totally hate you right now if you didn't have a bunch of hot players on your All-Star team.

In conclusion: I really need to find another adjective to use besides the word hot. Thesaurus, here I come!

HOT RUN DERBY RECAP

2008-07-15T00:25:00.004-04:00

Omigod, you guys. The Home Run Derby was amazing. And not just because Josh Hamilton hit a crazy amount of home runs. It was amazing because it was the largest gathering of attractive men I've seen in a long, long time. Utley (my favorite All-Star) was present, of course, which was enough to make Yankee Stadium totally en fuego. And then there was Dan Uggla, who has always seemed somewhat attractive (except when he's hitting homers against the Phillies)...and then a whole bunch of guys that I'd barely heard of and had never seen before tonight. Evan Longoria? Josh Hamilton? Justin Morneau? Being a fantasy baseball team manager, I'd heard of these guys to some degree (however, I know a lot more about National League teams than American League teams, so I was slightly clueless about these guys). The thing is, I had no idea these guys are hot. Especially that Hamilton guy (a baseball player who is kind of a former badass, whose arms are all tattooed up like he's a rock star? Quick, I need a cold shower...).

Despite the fact that my boy Utley only hit five home runs, I'm still proud of him. And I'm even prouder of Utley for his response when people (probably a bunch of silly Mets fans) booed him, even though I'm pretty damn sure he didn't mean to be heard on national TV when he said it... Click here to check out Utley talkin' dirty!